Some random thoughts going into the New Year 2018
I believe that in my lifetime, the year of 2017 was my biggest year of growth personally. With growth comes change. Lots of it. Our little family went through many changes. One of the biggest changes was due to severe physical health issues. I was forced to make the decision to step down from my career in management with Mary Kay of 25 years and finally move into the calling to write my book “Searching For Grey” and speak out as an advocate for those with mental health. It was a very hard decision, as I have always defined myself by what I do, rather than who I am, like most people with Borderline Personality Disorder.
This was one of the first times in my life, where I was free to just be me and figure out who that was. Those of us who live with BPD know that identity is a very difficult issue for us. One of the symptoms of BPD listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is “identity disturbance”, or a markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Sometimes people with BPD report that they simply feel non-existent. This is why it was such a huge decision for me to step down from an identity I’d held for 25 years of my life. If I was not a Mary Kay Sales Director, then who was I?
The decision my husband and I made to uproot a 20-year life in Florida and move across Country to Indiana to be with our only daughter and her husband was huge. Not something you do in your mid-50s when typically people are doing the reverse moving to Florida to live out their retirement years. Living with BPD, and co-occurring disorders like Panic Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I found the move to be quite the challenge.
Where I had been in a very regimented society with Mary Kay cosmetics, donning a skirt and heels, designer purse and having the privilege of leading a group of women for 25 years, it was a total disassembling for me. Replacing the skirt with jeans, boots and sneakers for heels, was just part of it. I was finally free to project a new Alice to the world and speak out about having lived my life with mental illness since I was a child. Finally, I was able to shed the mask and be authentic about who I really was. Having mental illness is not something we brag about to the world. Those of us living with it usually try to hide our symptoms to the best of our ability. Although in the background I had been working on dealing with my issues for almost 20 years, I had not yet spoken out about what I dealt with to others. I had been researching, reading, learning and taking Dialectical Behavioral classes and Cognitive Behavioral Classes... but it is still very hard when you first say the words out loud to those in your circle that you have mental health issues. It can be stressful not knowing how people will react to you. No matter what the fallout, I challenge you to bring your voice into this arena. Even if it's hard to try to explain your condition, it's better than trying to complain your condition. What I'm saying is that, if all we do is complain about our symptoms and not explain to others what we deal with and how they can help us, it becomes a circular conversation and people tire of hearing the same woes over and over again from us.
One of the biggest concepts of self-preservation, as we grow and learn how to manage our symptoms, is to make healthier choices in relationships. When we live with the mask of mental illness, playing the game of hide the symptoms over the years, we can tend to be attracted to those who are also hiding their issues. What I found is that, no matter what someone is hiding, whether it is a drug or alcohol problem, mental illness, infidelity, we tend to cling together when dysfunction is at the center of the relationship. There is a safety in “if you keep my secret I'll keep yours”. As I got healthier, I had to make decisions to leave friendships behind that were no longer healthy once I uncovered my mask. No longer willing to subjugate myself to relationships that caused me to live a fake life that was superficial and not authentic, I left behind those who could not or would not understand or accept the new me. It also involved a disengaging of relationships with family members. That was the hardest of all.
Many of us with mental illness come from dysfunctional families. I have found that, as I myself indulged in, many of us spend a lot of time trying to “fix” the family to our image of what the perfect family should be. We use various methods of trying to bring our shattered family back together. Unfortunately, when the other members of the family do not get the help and/or psychiatric medication needed to treat their symptoms, no matter how healthy we get, we are still walking back into the same unresolved traumatic issues the family with through. Many times the untreated family members can even respond with hostility towards you as you begin your journey to health. They won't understand why you are changing. Remember, they are used to doing a certain dance with you, and if you start dancing another way, they're going to question your actions and behavior. This is why especially in codependent relationships within the family; the unhealthy family members may actually resent and reject the family member that chooses to be healthy. These issues can especially show up around Holiday time. I found that no matter how pretty the table was set or how great the food was prepared, I was still assembling the same dysfunctional people around the table. This is why going home and seeing relatives and family members that you haven't been around for a while can be a tricky proposition. You're trying hard to use your strategies of staying healthy and the untreated members of the family have no clue how to respond. You end up in a hot mess!
My dream of being a million-dollar producer in Mary Kay was never a reality, as during my tenure in Mary Kay, most of the time, especially in the beginning; I was displaying the symptoms of my disorder. I never realized how much it was holding me back from progressing in my career. If you find yourself stuck in a job position, not able to advance or achieve a higher title or pay raise; you might want to look into your symptoms and what is holding you back. I found along my journey that no matter what, the work had to be done on me FIRST before I could move to the next step.
There comes a time in our journey to health with mental illness where we have to put away our props, crutches, or things we use to hide behind that we so effectively build into our lives. One of the things I found I used to hide behind was my daughter. Back when she was a teenager, I was so enmeshed in her life that I did not realize I was not paying attention to my own life. If we are truly going to embrace the decision to get well and embrace that journey, we have to learn the process of using things like alcohol, recreational drugs, and other types of addictions or people to prop us up.
When we open ourselves up, and ask for help, we become vulnerable to others. We can feel as if we are naked and afraid. It can be a freeing exercise to find your healthy self, however talking to those in your inner circle about what you deal with is one of the first steps. Although you may find it very hard and challenging to speak out and educate those around you about your symptoms, it is actually one of the healthiest things you can do. You might also later choose to blend your voice and become an advocate for the mentally ill in your community.
For me, I was able to advocate and use my sales and marketing skills that I had learned through Mary Kay to promote a new me and speaking out against the stigmatism the mentally ill face in our society. I had the training on how to present and speak on a topic, so writing my book over these past years in the background, doing tons of research, and learning the techniques and methodologies used to heal my symptoms was natural for me. This gave me two opportunities where I can share my story and help others who are dealing with the same issues.
2017 has been a year of shedding for me. Coming out of a skin that was as tight as the pantyhose I used to wriggle into on a daily basis in Mary Kay. I found it very freeing to finally take off the mask and let the real Alice take over.
Admittedly, there were times I wanted to run back into the safety of conformity and hide myself behind my Mary Kay Director suit that we wore to show we were in management with the Company. The diamond pins I had received from the company, that adorned my jacket lapel proved I was somebody, or so I thought. Now they sit in a drawer, meaningless. They are no longer my badge to show the world I was “somebody”. Instead, I have made the choice to join forces with NAMI (www.nami.org), and I'm going to school online to become a trauma counselor. When we step into a new walk of life that is meaningful that can help others, we become our true authentic self and it is a very healthy feeling.
Miracles started to happen, the more I reached out with my new hand of authenticity. I would receive phone calls, messages, emails, and make contact with people who were saying I was brave for coming out with my story and that they had one too. I was able to listen with empathy and understanding, and relate to what they were going through. Instead of focusing on my own symptoms and problems, I was learning to help others deal with theirs. Each day can turn into a new adventure for you as you learn to focus more on others than yourself and your issues.
When I first sat down with my publisher to discuss this project and my book, we knew from the beginning we did not want it to be a pity piece. We did not want to just spill out all the negativity that comes with dealing with mental illness and its symptoms or the woe is me attitude. We wanted to create a project that would uplift and encourage others with mental illness to find their healthy path. Anyone can sit around and complain about all they have to deal with on a daily basis, but that is not the path to healing. Getting the help you need, setting safe boundaries from those that you need to stay away from that may sabotage your journey and learning what physical things you need to do to keep you healthy, is the path to healing. For instance, exercise, eating healthy, not drinking alcohol, not indulging or giving in to weaknesses or addictions that we have used to cover our symptoms in the past is a true path to healing. With each decision you make towards being a healthy and better you, you are working your way to a place of having a better family dynamic, work environment, romantic relationship and a new set of friends that are not there to take you down, but to build you up. These are the things I have found that work in the journey to live and cope with having any type of mental illness.
What can you take away from this in the New Year, 2018? Ask yourself, what are you hiding behind? What are you refusing to give up or acknowledge in your life that is keeping you held down? What demons do you have to face to set yourself free? I challenge you in 2018 to take that first step toward the light of truth and allow God to take you on this journey.
Happy New Year 2018, Alice
I love reading about your journey!