Seeing the Future from the Eyes of BPD

When you live with BPD, trying to see a future for yourself when you are young is practically impossible. When you are displaying symptoms of Borderline in your late teens and twenties, you may not even realize what you will be up against in your future. It can be very difficult for friends and family to understand your displays of anger, emotion, neediness, and obsession. You may not even be able to explain it yourself. All you know is that these feelings consume you and you are “ruled” by them.

Unfortunately, during this time, the person with BPD is typically shunned from family and friends for their over the top behavior. This leads to, what I call, the beginning of self-medicating or self-soothing. When you are young and susceptible in the throes of BPD, it can lead to many forms of self-medicating. Examples are excessive drinking, recreational drugs, reckless and unsafe sex with multiple partners (sometimes of both sexes), stealing things, driving recklessly, or self-harming.

Thus begins the vicious cycle of losing many of the relationships that should be a support system to the person with Borderline. This includes immediate and extended family, friends, teachers, and other people that could be a very important resource to the young person with BPD.

Parents may respond with severe demands on the Borderline to “shape up” or “get out”, which leads to excruciating feelings of abandonment for the BPD. There will ensue major fights and then the threats of suicide from the person with BPD. The un-medicated, unlearned person with BPD will PUSH the relationship, any relationship to the extreme, just to see how far the person will go for them. Frustration, anger and fear are the emotions displayed on behalf of those around the Borderline. Hence, the term “walking on eggshells” has emerged with regard to how people feel around a person with BPD.

The way these formative years of finding out and being diagnosed with BPD progress, lay the pathway for many years for someone with BPD. If the diagnosis is misunderstood or if the parents of a BPD try to use “regular parenting techniques” at this point, it can be a hopeless situation. Even worse, like my journey, you may not be properly diagnosed for years. Thus, no therapy and treatment in the world helps, as the core matter of the disorder is not being dealt with.

I recently asked a young BPD where she saw herself in the next 3-5 years. She is 24 years old now. She has been cast out of her home from her biological parents (who were also extremely abusive physically and mentally towards her), she has no friend circle anymore ~ except for a homeless Uncle, and she lives out of her vehicle, homeless. We will call her Julie. Julie was addicted to meth and other recreational drugs, along with alcohol and has had numerous unsafe sexual encounters, including a gang rape. She goes on and off her psychiatric medication given to her from a local shelter that tries to help people like Julie. She is on disability and unable to hold a job. She has had multiple suicide attempts.

Her response to me about her future:

“I would like to not have so many BPD moments. I want to catch it before it starts. I am starting college this fall and hopefully, I will be done in 2 years. I only enrolled because my mom and I were fighting and I wanted to prove her wrong. When I’d told her I enrolled, she said I should have done it sooner. I would like to have a family of my own someday if I weren’t so scared that I would harm my children. I don’t see my future. I don’t know what I want to do or where I will be. All I know is that I have to learn to control myself otherwise the future is pointless.”

This complete sense of feeling hopelessness and “pointless” is at the core of someone living with BPD. In these very important years of maturing and growing into a marriage and a family of your own can be very volatile for a Borderline. I married at the age of 19 to the first man I could get to marry me and I was totally out of control with my symptoms. Together we were addicted to cocaine, pot and other recreational drugs...and of course, alcohol. We had a tumultuous time during our brief 2-3 yrs of marriage. I was a mess, having affairs behind his back (but, so was he!) and we would fight constantly or just completely ignore each other. I remember one episode, during a fight, where I broke every dish we owned in the house. It was a chaotic time to put it mildly and we are lucky to have both survived it. We filled for a divorce on irreconcilable differences and I thank God that we did not have a child together.

The Campaign that we talk about on our Website and Facebook page “Searching for Grey” is to Empathize, Educate and Advocate for people with mental illness, especially those with BPD. If you know of someone who has currently been diagnosed with Borderline, especially a family member or close friend, please understand that they have much to get in place in terms of support and education in order for them to be able to live a life that will be fruitful, productive and safe. I encourage you to help them on their journey. The more family and friends understand about BPD symptoms, and ways to help a person with Borderline, in the correct way, the better that life will be for all concerned.

For more information, please look into therapy and counseling that includes Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Therapy. Make sure that the therapist is a true, licensed DBT counselor and that they are familiar in treating people with DBT. It would also be helpful to look for a Group Counseling Session that the person with BPD could attend that involves a Group Dynamic of DBT. It is very helpful for a person with Borderline to meet and understand that there are other people out there, just like them, dealing with the same symptoms and issues of the disorder. If the person with Borderline is currently abusing recreational drugs or alcohol, you might want to get them involved in a program such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narconon. I also personally believe that attending a good Church can be very helpful in the spiritual realm in dealing with their symptoms.

Good luck in your journey! Xo Alice